Selfish or scared?

Tags

cancer, Dying, pills, quality of life

This is a bit of a touchy subject for me as it has to do with a family member.

My mum.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer over 2 years ago. She’s had both breasts removed, lymph nodes, and went through chemotherapy, horrendous side effects that accompany chemo, and side effects from her medication.

Now before I go on, my mum and I have had a tempestuous relationship over the years. She left when I was 14 and did her Shirley Valentine act for a few years, before coming back penniless and with a newborn (my bro is 18 now and a gorgeous young man who I love dearly). She’s also done some deeply unpleasant things to me over the years. But hey, blood is thicker than water after all.

Anyways I digress. She’s used her cancer diagnosis to manipulate people in an attempt to get lots of sympathy. She’s never made any attempt to become healthy in all her years I’ve known her. So it comes as no surprise to me that she doesn’t give a toss about her body now she has cancer.

She had been taking this medication called femara and it gives her alot of joint pain. I’m not sure how much, as I’m 3000 miles away, and she does have a tendency to exaggerate things for me. I could call my brother now and he’d tell me she’s fine.

She called me a couple weeks ago to tell me she wanted to stop taking her medication as she was in pain. I hung the phone up on her, not before calling her selfish.

This is where my quandry lies. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have cancer, I hope I never have to find out. But if I did, I would fight with everything I have to live as long as I could. I still would have plenty of things I’d want to do.

There are people who aren’t even given a chance to fight it.

Is she selfish for wanting to stop taking her pills or am I scared for the fear of the unknown?

I’ve already had my dad die, not sure I’m prepared for my mum to die, regardless of how horrendous she’s been to me.

Silent Sunday

Tags

memories, Photos, silent Sunday

It’s ok just to have one, right?

Tags

happy, normal, only child, pressure

My son is an only child, okay?

Ever since the boy was born nearly 5 years ago(time flies), I have lost count the amount of time people have asked me when we’re going to try for another baby. Why can’t it just happen naturally, why do I have to try? Incidentally, I had a miscarriage two and a half years ago, so, it did happen thank you very much, but sadly not meant to be.

People assume, that I would naturally want to keep having a go at it and give the boy a baby brother or sister. And the truth is I’m not sure I even want to.

I like our unit of 3. The boy is happy, he wants for nothing and perhaps this may come across as being selfish, we have a nice life, go on a couple holidays a year and I can go out whenever I like as does the hub(we take turns to look after the boy).

If I had a pound everytime someone said ‘oh I’m sure the boy would love a baby brother or sister’ I’d be a squillionaire by now. If you ask the boy, he’s just not interested, he’d rather play with the dog.

The boy did not sleep through the night until he was over 2, and those were the most exhausting, draining two years of my life. We have no family nearby, so we couldn’t pawn him off on the grandparents. It also didn’t help that the hub was travelling back and forth to Italy every 2 weeks for the first year.

I know people say, ‘you’ll be fine, you know what not to do 2nd time around’, but I’m just not sure I’m prepared to find out.

What really tipped me over the edge, was last night when an acquaintance asked me when I was going to have another baby. I snapped. Why do I have to have another baby? Shouldn’t I just be happy what I have? Some people can’t have any! Then she said that the hub and I should just f**k until I get pregnant. For one it’s none of her business and two our sex life is non existent. So there.

All I want is for people to respect our decision to stick with just one child. I’m not 100% ruling out anymore, but please don’t tell me my child will be deprived out of not having any siblings. I have enough catholic guilt, ta v much!

Be grateful for what you have.

My boy(man)band Renaissance

Tags

boybands, Jason and Robbie, NKOTB, Take That

When I was a whipper snapper(from 11 onwards) I refused to and for most parts didn’t like top 40 pop music. This was the era of Tiffany and Debbie Gibson, New Kids, etc.

Oh no, I listened to The Smiths, New Order, Joy Division and the like. My first concert at 13 was New Order!

Flash forward 20 odd years and I have fallen in love with Take That! I was always a fan of Robbie since he released his solo stuff. And when Take That reformed, I did like the music but didn’t feel compelled enough to want to go see them.

When they announced that they were going to be reuniting as a 5 piece, I felt that I had to go. You couldn’t even accuse me of being a fair-weather fan because when they were at their peak, I lived in Canada and they were completely off the radar except for a minor hit with Back for Good.

I spent 4 hours back in October getting my tickets and I’m so glad I did. The atmosphere was electric and it didn’t matter that I was a 30 something married mum. For 2 1/2 hrs I was a teenager and it felt so good!

I’ve been to see them twice this week and was very lucky for one of those nights to be Saturday. They were just so brilliant! I still love Robbie and currently have a mahoosive crush on Jason Orange.

I’m a total an utter convert and I’m a bit sad that I wasn’t able to live through it the first time around.

Take That and Party!

swoon <3

Just because I have short hair doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian

Tags

short hair self confidence walking down the street

I have short hair and have done so on and off for the past 20 years.

Over these said 20 years it has been presumed that I have been that way inclined and no disrespect to those who are, I am so not!

Two incidents have occurred this week and to be honest has knocked my confidence a lot. I have no self esteem as it is,and I can’t bear it when these things happen.

I was walking through the town centre the other day and I heard two blokes pass me and say ‘is the a bloke or a woman?’ I felt sick immediately as I knew the were talking about me. In my defence, unless you are totally blind I had makeup on and my rather ample(and cumbersome) boobs would show that I am a woman through and through.

On to my point and the second incident in question. I went to see Take That last night and a group of guys pushed past us, boasting about themselves and mumbled something that it would be off my radar as I’m probably a lesbian. So the fact that I was on the floor standing to be as close to Robbie or Jason <3 clearly never entered their psyche. When this happens I just want to hideaway and my whole journey home I was thinking if people thought I was this ugly short haired lesbian.

I like my short hair, I think I suit it and most people are complimentary about it.

Don't make assumptions about a girl's sexuality just because they have short hair. In my mind's eye, I was so ahead of the short hair trend. And for the record I used to do hair modelling for vidal sassoon in the 90's. So there.

does joining the pta mean giving your life away?

Tags

pta politics no confidence

Last year when the boy started nursery, I joined the pta. I knew someone already in it, so I figured it would be a good way to meet other mums, etc..

It was fine, I baked cakes for sales, volunteered for the school fete and tried to make myself available. I was keen.

Fast forward to today and I’ve fallen out of love and favour of the pta. I have since learned that I was flavour of the week when I joined, but now as other commitments in my life prevailed, I fell out of favour. Maybe its just my mind working overtime, but I feel like I was and to a degree am getting the cold shoulder. I admit about 20% of the time, I may have made excuses as to why I couldn’t do something but the other 80% there has been a reason. I’ve been ill, and have suffered from depression and just couldn’t face putting on a happy face.

The thing that bothers me the most( and I admit I’ve done it too) is the bitchiness and cattiness that goes along with the territory. It was only when I took a step back I realised that I wasn’t so sure I wanted or still want to be part of this. It took my right back to when I was 15 and my ‘friends’ decided they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I suffer from a bad case of lack of self esteem and I just can’t bear the feelings I was feeling and to still am feeling.

The pta’s motto is working hard for our children, but shouldn’t we put the bitchiness aside and we’d be able to work that much harder?

Hello blog world

Tags

blogging virgin rants

I’m not sure what to write, but what I know is that I shall use this blog to rant about things in my life.

If you don’t want to read it, thats cool.